That sums up where I’m at this morning…and yesterday.

This afternoon is my Columbia writing test. It’s not that I am really nervous about the test itself–it’s not something you can REALLY study for–it’s that I’m scared by the fact that I don’t want to write it. If I don’t want to do this with my life, what do I want to do? I still am interested in UBC for journalism, I still love writing, etc. but I just don’t know…I think there’s a career drama/fear post in my future but I’m not ready to share where I’m at with that just yet.

In terms of yesterday, I’m not going to elaborate too much, but I let my stress get to me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t almost slip into eating disorder habits and that I’m struggling this morning to get back on track and to eat a healthy breakfast, have a healthy attitude, and go into this weekend remembering:
“Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.”
Here’s yesterdays eats, to which you can add some extra chocolate stuffed in in stress mode, peanut butter on the pita, subtract the chick peas, add a banana…you get the picture. Yesterday wasn’t my best showing, but all things considered I got lots of nutrition in before I went and turned a bit to old habits to deal. Between swimming, a painful massage, a saddening physio appointment, a trip to the RD, a visit to a triathlon coach (who says I can start working with him after I get better–cmonnnn get better!), and support group, plus finishing two assignments and doing laundry–phew–no wonder I felt so out of it:
if only it’d just been these three little guys…

It was probably the combination of:

  • Life worries – career?
  • Injury frustrations – see below – and not being able to work out how I’d like to
  • Not being sure what’s up for the weekend – even though I do
  • Normal stress at night – what am I going to wear tomorrow, eat tomorrow, do tomorrow, etc. (this is a common theme: as soon as I start to worry about anything I’m unsure of, even if it’s petty, I go for chocolate)
  • “environment is everything” – I keep hearing this and it makes me wonder – as much as during recovery I’ve thought that I should be able to be in a healthy enough place to keep all kinds of junk food around, I’m realizing that it’s NOT a requirement and that I could look at it this way: if I got rid of the endless options for chocolate, etc. (and maybe kept one or two instead of 6 or 7 treats around), I might be less inclined to overdo it in the heat of a near binge moment – sure at some point I hope to be able to have a candy store next door at my disposal and not want to overeat, but maybe having so many options around is like an alcoholic keeping cold beer in the fridge?
  •  Family issues – I can’t seem to deal right now
  • Anxiety over having to write a test
  • Lack of sleep – so I slept in an extra hour instead of going to swim before class (giving up the calming/comforting effect of the early morning workout, but focusing on overall health!)
  • School: I really don’t feel like I did a very good job on the two assignments that are due today for my classes – but all things considered this wasn’t the best week or timing

Phew…maybe I should have blogged that out last night and not turned to the chocolate…again, LESSONS not mistakes!

whining warning: BEGIN!

On the injury front: So the massage and physio appointments yesterday were good…but came with some advice that I didn’t want to hear. The physio suggested that since, with spinning, I am staying about the same (even though I’m doing my best to foam roll, strengthen, and take care of this hip flexor) I should lay off of stuff for a week. I know it’s only a week and I know I don’t need to exercise every day (and that I can swim), but I still am bummed. I posted my classes, I whined a bit, and I decided to take it all as a learning experience.  People have struggled through so much worse than this and come out on top, and I know it’s still early in the year.I have almost half a year til my half ironman. Cmonnnnnn hip, I want to start training for real! I think part of the frustration is the fear of this free time and the feeling that I might have to deal with all my anxieties over grad school and whether or not I am choosing the right thing or should apply to alternatives. Ohhhhh, time to think. Love/hate.


Now it’s Friday and before I know it it’s going to be the end of the day. I’m driving to school because I am not taking this week off for nothing. I am going to be as gentle with this hip as possible, foam roll like a crazy woman, and do more clamshells than anyone has ever done before!

What do you guys think about keeping “treats” around after recovery?
When do you find yourself most stressed during the day?
How do you handle your stress positively?
When you’ve had to take time off for an injury, did you find other issues came up for you?


7 responses to “Anxious

  1. dude, I’d be a hot mess too right now if I had all those things to worry about (on top of a full day like that – oof!). I know what you mean about keeping chocolate around….and I think that being “recovered” doesn’t have to mean keeping stuff like that nearby. I mean, I know plenty of non-ed women who just can’t keep chocolate near them or they’ll go nuts when under stress (my roommate last year had a bit of a nutella problem around finals weeks haha). I like your idea of keeping just one treat around – I personally try my best NOT to have 8 billion desserty type things in my house cuz yeah, I eat them too much, and I feel gross when I do (not just ed-body image wise, but too much processed sugar really makes me low energy and blah). right now I’m sticking to a bag of special dark hershey kisses – they’re individually wrapped so its a lot harder to mindlessly munch on them (as opposed to say, a bar of chocolate or bag of m&ms. When I eat too much/binge, its usually because of stress and NOT because I actually want a piece of chocolate, you know? when I simply want chocolate, I have no trouble eating just one or two. weird. idk. But yeah, don’t feel like you have to keep tons of candy around just to prove ED wrong ya know? And the injury front….I left you a long ass comment on DailyMile too, but I definitely know how frustrating it is. Just try to keep your end-goal in mind, and remember that if you rest, you’ll get there faster 🙂

    • That’s so true about the chocolate portions when you legit want chocolate. It’s like when you have a really good treat at Christmas or a cake on your birthday — since it’s the treat that you wan–not like emotional distraction/comfort/whatever–you don’t eat the whole thing. Glad you brought that up.

      Resting, resting, just keep resting. 🙂

  2. Pingback: I should be running | eatplayluvblog

  3. I wish I could just freeze time for you and send you off to the Caribbean to relax for a week. It sounds like you need it! I’m so sorry you have to deal with all the other stresses this week on top of your hip injury. 😦 But you’re handling it way better than I ever could!

    I handle my stress by balancing it with seeing friends. So hopefully we’ll see you tonight! Good luck on your Columbia test! 🙂 🙂

  4. I used to just not buy the stuff…but it drove me to rebel hard…that’s why i refuse to NOT buy it…i have to be able to have it in my home.

    like then…after a full day of eating..i’m constipated and bloated and stuffed…
    i had a “typical” 300 calorie snack..then went back and ate7 rice cakes (not the tiny , empty calorie ones) + 40 grams of dark chocolate…and counting…i’m so afraid my RD is going to think i’m crazy…i worry because unlike you , i don’t exercise…and unlike u i do this every night on massive quantities…i used to be so strict and never ever rebell like that…and now i do and i’m bewildered at others who dont…how the heck they just don’t do it…i feel like a failure and know i’ll feel like crap tommorow…but i just don’t care…is this really bad and really insane? i am nuts…

    • Sarah, I don’t know what to say! I think you need to be honest with an RD — they have seen far worse than anything you’ve ever described. The calorie counts and stuff like that to me are a sign that you’re focusing on things maybe from a place that you could reframe? All I can offer is personal experience–and in my experience, when I feel like crap all the time, I’m not doing the right thing. Change is scary but when I was at my worst, I already felt like crap so changing and risking feeling bad really wasn’t that big of a risk–I was already miserable. I hope you figure this out.

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