Outta the apartment

I’m at my fav study spot…

sipping on a decaf americano with hazelnut syrup.


I had a long day (as expected) and was feeling vulnerable when I got home. After you guessed it — handfuls of chocolate chips — I went for the repeat of last night’s dessert:


I honestly tried so hard to eat MORE during the day. After my post this morning, there was lunch…


Afternoon snack # 1:


Afternoon snack number 2: oikos yogurt with honey.

Afternoon snack number 3: Praventia cookies.

Dinner (cheddar and tomato sandwich with light mayo and so much extra cheese):


Why is this something I can’t seem to stop doing?Why didn’t the dessert challenge work? Why am  I still picking? Why isn’t feeling sick enough to stop me from this kind of desperation stuffing my face?

…but more importantly, why am I beating myself up?

That’s what this is about: I have something to worry about now instead of all the things I should worry about or don’t want to worry about. Things that are out of my control — grad school, my aching hip, other people’s issues — and things that are in my control — the state of my apartment, my classes, and my attitude.

So, I got myself out of the house and here I am. I have a few thoughts about what I’d like to do to deal with these frustrations in a proactive way, because when I talked with my dietitian today, she suggested (like I was expecting) that having a snack post-workout on my way home from the gym would help and probably be a healthier option BUT what I couldn’t predict was her telling me that if I didn’t have that snack, or if I did, and I STILL picked and ate croutons or chocolate chips or whatever I wanted to beat myself up over, it’s not the end of the world. I probably needed those calories. I got them, one way or the other. I don’t want to leave it at that though — I can be better and I WILL find a way to eat enough on a regular basis so that this is the random habit that is the exception, not the norm! Change. Hard but worth it.

My action plan:

  • After a workout, eat something while I’m still at the gym OR in the car: a granola bar, a yogurt, a chocolate milk, an apple, whatever (chances are it’s a healthier more nutritious option than stuffing croutons in my face once I get in the door).
  • Eat some dark chocolate after every meal: this way I won’t have to throw away the chocolate chips to stop me from eating them. I can deal with this. Progression of the dessert challenge. If I have 100 calories of dark chocolate and it stops me from taking in 200 of crap, that’s a win. If I feel good about it and sit down and enjoy it, that’s a serious win. If in the end I feel better about this whole thing and move forward in recovery, that’s a majorly serious win. And if I have it and still want dessert later on, I’m gonna have it. win. win. win. and more win. It would take a month to gain a pound from adding that chocolate, FYI. That’s a reminder for me, mostly.
  • Chew 1 piece of gum at a time: rather than go right to cold turkey, I’m going to try to deal with it slowly. I have a bad habit of always having two and sometimes adding a third piece of gum into the mix, and a pack a day is actually probably a low ball estimate of how much gum I chew. No wonder I get tummy issues!
  • Drink a glass of water before every meal. This will slow me down a bit and will serve as a signal that I’m about to eat. I think I am often really thirsty after the gym too, which makes me eat more and distorts my signals even more!
  • Try to think about how I can get nutrition from my calories. I.e. it might be scary to eat a bun with my dinner when I’m already having what I think is a full meal, but if I’m going to grab handfuls of croutons or something after, I might as well just have a nutritious whole grain roll or something with dinner.

That’s enough, I think. I’m scared. I really hate admitting it because it makes me feel like I am not “recovered enough” to write these posts, to try to help other people move forward with their own recovery, and like it’s no wonder I’m so miserable (some days). But then I remember how today and yesterday I told friends that I caught myself “feeling happy” for the first time in a long while a few times this week and how I haven’t cried in a week…til now, of course. This post just got hard. I feel like if I share with people what I’m struggling with, maybe they can take something away. Seeing the stuff I’ve managed to sort out (and thinking back and giving yourself credit for the things you’ve done for yourself too) is where you realize that it is worth it to come out and share your struggles. If anyone has been helped by these posts, it’s a major bonus because they’ve been the most helpful thing in the world for me. Blogging is therapy, blogging is fun, and if anyone can relate to this stuff or gets a benefit from it, that is freaking amazing. Tears, in starbucks. not cute, cheryl! Cue cheesy quotes–I’m gonna let someone else wrap this one up!

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.  ~Anne Frank

I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.  ~Edward Everett Hale

It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little – do what you can.  ~Sydney Smith

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.  ~John Wooden,They Call Me Coach

A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault.  ~John Henry Newman

Once you accept the fact that you’re not perfect, then you develop some confidence.  ~Rosalynn Carter

What have you held back on doing for fear of not being good enough?
What’s one habit you’d like to change? Do you have an action plan? 


11 responses to “Outta the apartment

  1. Moving on from ED is tough. We can get pissed at him and think he’s gone, but he lurks for a long time. He crept in slowly and may leave slowly. I struggle on a daily basis thinking about ED, BUT I do know that some days are better than others, and in my past, there were NO good days. It sounds like you’ve had some good days too. That’s huge when ED is in your life. Enjoy those days. Love them and be kind to yourself. Many people don’t have ED influencing their every decision so we’ve got a hard battle. That’s ok. We have a lot to be thankful for too. You’re not a failure, in fact, you’re a lot like me and I really enjoy your blog. You’re honest. And you’re helping others. Like me. 🙂

    • Thank you so much for this. The closer you get to “Recovered.” the harder I think the little things get…the more frustrating the stupid things you know you don’t want to do any more are. Happy recovery!

  2. this is wonderful love! i love your action plan! what a great thing to do! lists always help me AND posting it on your blog from some accountability!? wonderful xo stay confident love

  3. ED is a horrible thing to have to struggle with in life! as if all the other stressors like school and financial stress is not enough! i totally understand what you’re going through, i’ve been dealing with ED for quite some time. i do wish i was more normal and not be bogged down by ED all the time but as they say, awareness is the first step to recovery! i’m glad to know i’m not the only one going through this! and dont worry i’m sure everything will turn out fine in the end!!

  4. I think I see the following progression:
    Eating: lots at once for comfort; lots at many times from habit; little bits at many times from habit; little bits frequently with mindfulness & intention.

    Is this your path to a well-planned, grazing, healthy eating plan? If so, then it looks like you are already working on the final transition!

  5. That’s a great plan! I really want to try to be more mindful with my eating too, so I’m definitely taking away some tips from this post. 🙂

    It’s awesome that you’re putting this out there for the world to read – I’m sure there are others who you are seriously helping with your posts. It’s always a comfort to read something written by someone going through the same thing as you.

    Have a great Friday!!! 🙂

    • Thanks Chelsea. I appreciate support from people like you, other commentors, the people who sent me messages emails texts, etc. So much love and so much support…how can I NOT get through this?!

  6. I so hope you are feeling better. My thoughts are with you….I hope your weekend brings a feeling of peace and liberation.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s