Breaking the cycle

Come to my mom’s apartment…binge.

Eat dessert…eat extra.

I’m working on both of these and trying to disconnect the two. I have to admit because I can’t lie to you that I am struggling. Coming home this afternoon to Sarnia and getting stuck here cuz of the snow put me out of my element. I also set myself up because I was stressed out and rushed today.

I had a clif bar during class and then swam (great long course swim). I was late leaving for Sarnia (my chiro appointment) so I made a green monster. Kashi redeemed itself when I added cereal for crunch on top, but I felt “bad” for having the extra cereal and I know a liquid lunch was probably part of why tonight has been so..blah.

 

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So anyways, the chiro said a lot of the same thing: I need more treatment, more stretching, and a slow slow return to running when I feel better. He said yoga is good, active stretching is best, and that I need to come back smart and probably should find someone in London to treat me for convenience’s sake because this isn’t a one time fix. Blah. But there’s hope!

I went to the states, got my new prescription (which they randomly searched me for and inquired about whether or not I had narcotics…yes, because I have those new migraine meds, I do…blahhhhh, I was sweating!), and bought myself some magazines. I had dinner at Coffee Lodge, but I wanted to cry. I was starving and my falafel looked DISGUSTING when they brought it out. Not grilled even though they asked and I said yes. Not wrapped like normal. My greek salad had no tomatoes or feta, so I sent it back. It was swimming in dressing so I couldn’t eat it. I ate the overdressed pita because I was ravenous. I had too much coffee today (4 larges…yeah, I know). I chewed an entire pack of gum. I am not proud of today.

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I did have a nice coffee date with a friend, which should let me relax. But when I got to my  mom’s place (her and her bf go to Texas for the winter, so it’s empty), their fridge had un-fridged so it stunk. It’s hard to go “home” without feeling like you’re going somewhere…home-y…if you know what I mean. I’m not going into details here. Anyways, the fridge might have been blah but there was chocolate and I knew it. Lots of it. Christmas candies, cookies, chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels…a binger’s paradise. I can’t believe that I began to binge…seriously, I wondered. I stopped, sat down, and tried to relax. I started picking again. I decided to put out a bowl of M&Ms. Yeah, I felt bad for “picking” but my dessert challenge is a challenge and I wanted to prove that I am stronger. Then I still was going for the cookies. I decided to just get rid of them. Into the garbage. This is so … frustrating … of me. I don’t want to have to throw things away to control myself. I don’t want to have to force myself to eat a bowl of m and ms. I don’t want to be writing this post.

…but writing it is helping. That bowl of m and ms is gone. There are still chocolates that I could be bingeing on. I need to give myself credit, because in the past being here would have definitely precipitated a full blown binge. This is a minor minor incident and I am owning up to it, using it to reflect on why maybe I am not having the best night, and trying to get my head straight.

Tomorrow CAN and WILL be a good day. I’ll get up, maybe do some homework, and find a yoga class to get my zen on. I’ll go back to London when the roads are clear, I’ll get my groceries and stuff, and I’ll clean my apartment. I’ll go to tri club swim, I’ll hang out with my friends, and I’ll eat yummy things. I will not restrict, beat myself up, or let today’s “slip up” stop me from living my life tomorrow—seeing my friends, doing what I want to do, etc. I will not not not buy into the idea that I should keep this to myself and use it as a reason to isolate. I’m taking it and using it for motivation to do better, be better, and feel better.

I’m sick of all of this. My apartment’s a mess. I’m down because of my hip. I am confused and this dessert challenge is a bigger challenge than I anticipated. I am so worried about the summer and about life. But I am fed up of taking it out on myself, fed up with using food, and ready to move on. Focusing on recovery is a good distraction from all those unknowns.

Follow
One
Course
Until
Successful

…and I’m going to go back to being awesome now.

Do you find it hard to write about the bad things?
What did you do tonight?
How do you deal with slip ups?  

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7 responses to “Breaking the cycle

  1. HUGS!!! ❤ ❤ Oh man, "binges" are the worst. I still do that sometimes, go into my kitchen and just pick at things…the peanut butter, the baked goods, the ice cream…and even though its not a true binge and I never eat enough during them to get full, they ALWAYS make me feel like total crap!! argh! And it takes serious mental strength not only to get yourself to stop, but then to be nice to yourself about it. Having tomorrow be a "normal" day where you don't restrict is definitely a sign you're on the right track with this – slip ups happen, and real strength is being able to just get right back on track. you're doing it!!!!!

  2. I would’ve given in and binged, and I wouldn’t have stopped at M&Ms or a few cookies. Being alone is a scary thing in times like that, especially when there are ‘bad’ treats around. I have so much compassion for you! I binged over Christmas because of all the new food around and found too many times to be secretive and alone. Writing about the experience shows that you are NOT giving ED the power!!!

  3. Hey hun, sending some major love your way!

    Yesterday definitely sounds like it was a more stressful than usual day for you – so don’t beat yourself up about the m&ms. Besides, the fact that you were able to stop is a good sign, right? 🙂

    Today is a new day for you and I hope it’s a good one! xo

  4. i binge…every…single…night…

    an entire box of granola bars + tub of yogurt + bowl of grapes + 3 tortillas + 60 grams of chocolate…etc etc…
    not jsut one night…every night

    maybe rebelling from my former orthorexia?
    maybe because i am 15 lbs underweight? (still not justifiable though is it?)
    maybe because i’m so lonely and bored and scared about the future?

    yeah…
    the trouble is what to do the next day when i feel like crap…and do not exercise to make it “better”…so i just sit and sit with it all in my guts and can’t restrict because i need to gain…but feel like crap for forcing in food…i’m no gaining…this HAS to stop

    last night i dreamed of hot dogs and ice cream and got out of bed and went to town on anything carby and chocolately in the cupboard…

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