You guys are getting so much love from me lately.
I guess I just feel like I have a lot to share (and if you’re a subscriber, I just want you to have that joy of seeing a new post in your inbox more often ;)!)…
Tonight, a little bit of a reflection. I had dinner, taught bootcamp (good energy, gals!) and then had a snack. It got me to thinking…
As far as I’ve come in terms of finding peace with food, my body, exercise, and all that stuff that is supposed to feel GOOD, I still struggle and still find myself frustrated. What’s up today, you ask?
I feel like certain foods have power over me.
While I can’t think of any “fear foods” for me–I worked hard to build things back into my diet–and while I don’t like the idea of keeping certain “trigger foods” out of the house (because I want full recovery and that means knowing that I can eat the things I want to eat when I want to and trusting that I can follow my body’s natural cues for this), there are certain foods I…struggle with. They’re things I eat on a regular basis and I think a lot of people can relate to some of them, but others are just wacky:
- chocolate chips
- peanut butter
- trail mix
- cereal (even Fibre 1 or All Bran)
- lunch meat
For some reason, I cannot just eat these foods sitting down. Regardless of which food it is, I eat it while I get it ready, after I finish my meal, or just randomly. I know it’s normal to pick at things. But I also know that it’s not where I want to be when I can’t just have a handful of chocolate chips with my snack…I have to pick at them all night long or all day long and then end up feeling guilty for it. In the past I’ve assumed that it’s Ed trying to sabotage me (to overeat to prove that I am out of control, to make me overeat to the point that I gain weight and then to be “right”, etc.), but now I am really confused. I’ve been allowing myself to eat these things for so long…but maybe I’ve just been fooling myself. Is it pseudo permission? Or am I too hungry and not eating enough on a daily basis? It’s not like these foods are unhealthy. Some of them are actually really nutritious, but a common trend is that I did at one point either use these foods as bingeing foods or restrict them entirely.
When I beat myself up for this (and since these are foods I eat all the time, this occurs on a pretty daily basis)…I feel like crap. So what’s going on? Why am I letting this continue? Cuz I’m pretty sure posting about what I eat and joking about the chocolate chips isn’t really helping…when there’s guilt around them.
…I don’t have the answer. I’ve been doing some searching, some thinking, and some wondering, at least. In the past, I’ve just been feeling ashamed, hiding things, and wondering what the h*ll is wrong with me. And for some reason I thought beating myself up over this issue would help. Uh, sounds a little counterintuitive doesn’t it?
So, what are my options? I could ban those foods…but I’m not. That’s giving them even more power and I don’t want to live that kind of half recovered life. I could put the larger portions into a bowl and sit down with them, but when I think about this I realize something important: I don’t even think I want more, necessarily. I could try eating more at my meals and snacks and see what happens. This is a little scary since it means I could eat more and simultaneously keep “picking” at things. I could let this go on and hope it just goes away. I could talk about it with my dietitian and with my therapist. I could blog about it. I could keep beating myself up. I could keep track of when it happens and see if there’s any patterns. I could just be aware of it and question why it’s going on.
Plenty of options. My choices:
- blog about it (feedback, anyone?)
- notice when it happens
- discuss it with my dietitian
This is my way of dealing with it without beating myself up. Though maybe you’re different, I can’t make changes if I force them or if I do it because I feel “bad” or like I “should”. I don’t believe in those things…for me. Maybe you can be a hard a*s with yourself and be a success, but that just makes me feel like crap. I need to make change from a place of love and what I realize is that if I keep this behaviour up, not only am I holding myself back from reaching that “Recovered.” spot that I know I am so freaking close to, I’m also bringing a whole lot of guilt, temptation (to restrict or to exercise more or to fall back into old thought patterns/behaviours), and undue stress into my life. Not ideal. I think I’m at the point where the only option is to move forward because I know that I deserve it. I’m done feeling bad about not being recovered or about struggling with this. First step is to open up about it and admit it’s there. Done.
Why shouldn’t I be awesome? Why shouldn’t I be that girl who eats chocolate in moderation but stays fit and healthy because she lives what she preaches: that chocolate won’t kill you and that finding balance is possible, without any conditions or stipulations! It’s about not settling for “almost recovered” or “mostly happy except…” or for “okay” or “better that before”…I deserve to be fully recovered, awesome, and happy (and so does everyone else, BTW)!
This is about becoming the person I want to be and about giving myself permission to be awesome…and not being scared to live life to the fullest.
If this wasn’t your dose of cheese for the day, I don’t think there’s hope for you! 😉
Have you overcome any bad habits or issues in your life lately? Care to share?
Are there any foods you continually pick at?