Realizations

This is going to be one of those posts.

With all the excitement and stress of the holidays and exams and let’s be honest, life, upon us, what better time to reflect?

Yesterday I did some thinking…

Why’d it take a solid month of bingeing/letting my ED convince me that it was okay to eat candy bars every day just to prove ED wrong (okay, there’s clearly two EDs in my mind or I clearly have multiple personalities)? Why am I sharing this with you?

Because I had another big “breakthrough” that I CAN want to:

  • work out
  • eat healthy
  • look “good”
  • not use food as comfort, distraction, etc.

WITHOUT overdoing it.

I am allowed to look like a fitness instructor, to prefer whole grain bread, to get antsy if I can’t work out. What I realized is that forcing myself to eat junk food to prove something, to shun the gym, and to tell myself that I don’t care about looking fit or not is JUST as bad as being overly consumed by my attempts to be healthy. What’s changed is the definition of “healthy.”

HEALTHY = BALANCED

BALANCED RIGHT NOW =

  • eating foods that make me feel good and being honest when I eat things that make me feel bad/choosing not to eat those
  • enjoying treats
  • sleeping
  • taking rest days
  • working out hard
What isn’t balanced?… PERFECTION
Why’s it matter? Because I’m fairly certain perfection and the fear of failure is the source of all this. I could self analyze why I have an ED or when it started for days and days and I might come up with something but that’s all fine and dandy…what matters is what I’m going to do about it.

…what purpose does holding onto this ED have? 

NOT an easy question.

Some answers:

  • it gives me a reason to be lonely/single/etc.
  • it gives me a reason to do bad on my exams
  • if i don’t get into grad school, I can blame ED
You see the drift? That’s the main thing. My ED gives me an excuse to NOT be perfect.
Turns out, you don’t need an excuse to be perfect.
“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” -Robert Schuller

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person.” –
David Burns
How about that? Perfectionism, fear, etc.
Ya know what this realization did for me? Made it OKAY that I had to put on my “fat jeans” today, because I know I’m getting closer to giving up this whole thing for once. I don’t hate who I am right now, I don’t feel like I’ve made some inexcusable mistake that’s left me irreparable…I feel like it was all part of a learning process but I’m at a point where I’m just ready to stop FORCING things. You cannot force yourself into balance. It takes care of itself!
It all means I am allowed to be happy, to go home for Christmas and NOT worry about what’s going to happen in January (or March when grad schools reply) so much that I ruin the happiness of right now, and to TRY for stuff. I’m allowed to want things, to dream, and to go for those dreams. So cheesy, I know, but if you don’t try, how will you ever know?
Since I’ve already cheesed it up, I might as well end it on the same note.
“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  -Anaïs Nin (I want this tattooed on my body, just saying)
“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”
Without embarrassing myself, I’m ready to be:
  • strong
  • smart
  • determined
  • fit
  • inspirational/motivating (fitness instructing, etc.)
  • HAPPY

How do you want to be seen?
Do you think you have to figure out where your ED comes from? Or just deal with it, for lack of a better phrase?
Are you a perfectionist? (girl who has been at Starbucks biting her nails for the last 4 hours, I’m thinking of you) 

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11 responses to “Realizations

  1. Great post girl — don’t you just love these “ah-ha” moments, as Oprah likes to put it? 😉

    I love that you are able to identify what ‘healthy’ means to you. I especially like your point about how it’s NOT about forcing yourself to do the things you don’t want to do. Amen.

    Cue our fave 2 in 1 quote:
    “Wherever you go, go with all your heart. And above all, if you cannot put your heart into it, then take yourself out of it.”

    Balance is so key to happiness and I think it’s an ongoing process and journey for everyone to try and find out what that means for them (woah, this JUST got deep).

    Keep eating, playing, loving and blogging — after all, it’s those things that keep YOU balanced, no? 🙂

    • Great post Cheryl.. balance is SO important, however feels SO difficult to establish a lot of the time. I have many similar thoughts and feelings as you do, so reading your blog is so great for me. Your ah-ha moments tend to spark some of my very own. Keep doing what you’re doing girl, you are amazing!

      • Thanks for the comment! I don’t know a blogger who doesn’t like hearing there’s someone reading/enjoying their posts. 🙂 I’ll be checking out your own posts too! Love this stuff.

    • Thanks for the comment my dear. I am figuring out this “healthy” stuff, one beautiful oopsie at a time!

  2. LOVE this! You’re so right that we’re not doing ourselves any good by trying to swing in the opposite direction of healthy just to prove a point. I’ve definitely done the same thing. I totally agree that I don’t think it’s wrong at all that we enjoy being healthy and working out; just as long as it isn’t an obsession. It can be a fine line though and sometimes it’s really hard to tell. I guess that’s where being more “in tune” with yourself comes into play. That’s something I’ve been trying to work on!

    I love love love the positive way you ended this post! It’s such a great feeling to know who you want to be and to get inspired to start being that person. You’ve definitely inspired me! 🙂 🙂

    • Thank you! I REALLY was searching for a quote I read about how if you swing too far in one direction you’ll inevitably swing too far in the opposite but eventually you can find that balance point. I think I’m getting there and I’m ready to not force things and just find my happy 🙂 … and obviously blog about it the whole time!

  3. LOVE this post and all these realizations!!! You’re so right, life isn’t about extremes, its about balance – balancing hard workouts with rest days, balancing healthy, clean, wholeseome meals with decadent desserts every now and then. Every woman has days where she feels awesome about herself, and every same woman has days where she feels like jabba the hut…..as long as you’re ok with yourself on all of those days!! You definitely deserve to be fit, healthy, inspiring, and hard working, and you don’t need to prove ANYTHING to ED.

    I think my ED definitely was about perfection. I saw thin as perfection, a certain number on the scale, a certain jeans size as perfection. Even when I gained to a healthy weight, I was scared to eat out of fear that I’d go up a size or look different – now I know that restricting my food isn’t making me “perfect”. Quite the opposite, its actually holding me back from being as close to greatness (though not perfection) as I can possibly be.

    I hope you keep blogging and I can’t wait to read about you getting into your dream grad school, becoming a fitness instructor, killing running races and cycling races and triathlons, and eating some delicious, powerfully healthy fuel/food! 😀

    • LOVE: “Restricting my food isn’t making me “perfect”. Quite the opposite, it’s actually holding me back from being as close to greatness (though not perfection) as I can possibly be.” <—You've got it! 🙂

  4. Pingback: Lighten up. « eatplayluvblog

  5. Wow, I admire this alot. Right now I am underweight …but I’m bouncing in a cycle of binging and subsequent lower intake. I would love love to chat with you. Would that be okay? Send me an email if so…I guess I’m trying to reach out and find some hope.

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