Studying vs. figuring stuff out…

Nothing like a fun-filled Saturday to make you wish you’d studied…NOT!

I started off the day with breakfast (obviously), some transcribing (I HATE hearing myself on interviews, so I always put it off, but I did two interviews worth today!), and a little bit of studying.

Special K, Fibre 1, greek yogurt, honey, and a banana with crushed pecans!

Then I headed to the gym for a sweaty sweaty workout:

  1. 30 minutes on the treadmill (+ warmup): 1 minute fast x 1 minute slow 6 times (slow at 6.5, fast building from 7.0 to 7.5), 30 seconds fast x 30 seconds slow 6 times (slow at 7.0, fast building from 7.5 to 8.0), 6 minutes fast incline walk, 6 minutes steady run (7.2)
  2. 8x8x8… This was awesome and such a random creation: I did 8 rounds of 8 reps each of 8 exercises as follows: front squats / bent over barbell row / bicep curls / clean and press / dead lifts / back squats / reverse lunges / burpees
  3. lay on a mat and “stretch” aka bask in the glory of feeling like i kicked my own butt
It was awesome and I only thought I was going to puke once.

When I got out of the gym and checked my phone I had messages from some friends from Sarnia that they were in town. I suggested we meet for lunch, so lunch we did! I met them at Milestones in Masonville (which meant I had to fight for a parking spot!).

Chicken breast/cheese/roasted garlic on a bun with a side caesar salad!

Family photo!

It was good to see them! I had to go out for groceries anyways.

After lunch, I had a tea and popped in to see friends working at lulu. I ran into other friends (Lenore, Blair, πŸ™‚ ) who I really wish I could have seen for longer than five minutes (but I’ll take what I can get!). It took longer than planned but I still made it to the grocery store and got my things at a decent time.

When I got home I had a little bit of a breakdown. I’m so frustrated with how I feel. I was going to cook an exciting dinner but I gave up because I ate handfuls of croutons straight out of the bag when I was unloading my stuff. Stupid, stupid, stupid old habits. I went to put on a pair of jeans I knew would look good with a new sweater I wanted to wear and they wouldn’t fit. Seriously, today? I don’t think my butt is any bigger than it was a week ago, but apparently those jeans do.

So I had a little bit of a realization. I CANNOT keep pretending the things are fine and dandy. I am bingeing, overeating, and still obsessing with food and worrying about my weight. Before I lost weight for Ed, then I think I was doing good with just letting my weight happen, but the last few weeks I’ve been overeating and gaining weight for Ed. I have to own up to it and I figure what better way to be accountable than to point it out here. My goals with food NOW are to:

  • continue to enjoy “treats” — there’s no way Ed’s going to make me restrict and miss out on Christmas cookies, birthday cake, eggnog, etc.
  • keep working out in perspective — the last few weeks have been good in this sense–enjoying workouts again and finding a happier place
  • stop eating while standing up — again again again but I do NOT need to eat out of the tub of whatever while I’m over the sink; I will sit at a table whenever I eat at home and I will not pick at cereal, peanut butter, etc. like I am so habituated to
  • be aware of portion sizes — I think I do a good job of serving reasonable amounts, but I often pick at food while I’m serving it up. I realized how much extra cereal I’m eating when I used my food scale one morning. That’s fine, but if my half a cup weighs as much as a full serving and I’m taking it as half, and I do it twice PLUS I eat as I pour it, then I know I’m having a whole extra serving of grains that I could add in elsewhere and be happier with
  • continue to work on my habits with gum and decaf coffee — these are coming along
What’s most important is that I realize I will never be happy with myself on the outside until I deal with all this stuff on the inside. The reasons I binge are the same as the reasons I restrict. The way I look is a reflection of how I am treating myself, of how I feel, and of where I’m at. I know I have work to do–and though I don’t know that I will end up gaining weight, losing it, or looking any different, I know I won’t be content with how I look until I feel like I am in charge, NOT Ed. I keep a note on my dresser that says “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself,” but sometimes I need more of a reminder!

Right now I’m at Starbucks where I studied for maybe 30 minutes of the last two hours and mostly spent time wrapping my head around my feelings, talking to friends, and getting organized. All necessary. I’ll study tomorrow and I’ll be fine for my exam on Monday. My head is pounding so I’m not sure staring at my notes would do much good anyways…it’s late for dinner but I’m going to go home and have something. After the croutons, I had an apple and peanut butter as a snack and then needed to get out of the house (hence starbucks trip). I’m glad I came but I think I told myself I wouldn’t have dinner. More accurately, Ed told me I wouldn’t have dinner. I know it’s time to go home and have something and I know I don’t have to overdo it.

Saying I’ll keep you posted seems cheesy, but I will. Tomorrow I may be MIA if I decide to cram, but that’s unlikely. I’ll probably use blogging as a break from studying (also a long run, maybe some cooking, and perhaps a trip to Chapters to peruse the magazines!).

PS I hope to get my blog organized in the near future. Feedback helps! I’m hoping to include recaps of my weekly workouts all at once, my playlists, recipes/creations of interesting things (and not the same old same old food over and over again), stuff I find interesting, and of course more insight into where I’m at and where I’d like to be. Keep the suggestions coming!




5 responses to “Studying vs. figuring stuff out…

  1. Cheryl I love reading your blog! So positive and insightful, just like you πŸ™‚ (And a lovely study interruption!) It’s great to hear that you’re finding these things out about yourself and taking action. If that’s not a productive exam season I don’t know what is. One thing that would be sweet is a post archive – or recipe collection? Coffee date soon!!

  2. Oh sweetheart. We need to spend more time together ❀ Ok? I am so proud of you. I love the list of goals and I am glad you shared them with me πŸ™‚ I am going fb message you my cell # because I REALLY want a Cheryl date xoxoxoxo I love Starbucks/any coffee place πŸ™‚

    Curious……. where did you get your tea at the mall? πŸ˜‰ DAVIDs perhaps!? You know I loveeeeeeeeeeee him πŸ˜‰

    • YESSS David’s! I took a picture but it was not pretty and I didn’t want to turn people off of it. I had “Oh Canada” — caffeine free and maple-y and sooo yummy.

      I would LOVE if we could spend more time together. I’m all for filling my life with positive people and you are most certainly positive. πŸ™‚

      IF you had to pick ONE tea from David’s to have and only that one forever, what would it be?! (Forever Nuts. Just saying!)

  3. Battling ED thoughts is a constant process, even once we’ve recovered. Even though you’re frustrated with some of your lingering habits, don’t be too hard on yourself!! Look how far you’ve come already – that doesn’t mean nothing, right? πŸ™‚ Stay positive girl!

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