I’m playing that picture game again.
The one where I look at them and think I look “fat” and have to remind myself that I look healthy.
I’m making a direct comparison…
Besides 20 necessary pounds, what have I gained in the last year?
- a seriously supportive group of friends
- better, stronger relationships with my family
- a new life plan (no big deal)
- a bunch of experience writing: my Bankrate assignments, my stuff in Canadian Cycling Magazine, and my writing on Runners Feed all happened in 2011 and wouldn’t have been possible if I was stuck in that Foods and Nutrition program and if I let Ed convince me it was too late to change my plans and all of it came together when I got hired at the Gazette as like the icing on the cake (I’m the luckiest girl, seriously, but sometimes I forget it)
- feeling like a girl again: before I was so thin, sinewy, and just all around tired looking. Even though I think I look “fat” I also see that I look happier, more like a girl should (soft in the right places), and STRONG instead of skinny.
- better management of my migraines (knock on wood, they’ve been much better lately)
- experiences from a few trips (out west, to pennsylvania in the summer, and to NYC with bonnie) that I’d probably not have been able to manage if I was still so involved with my Ed
- the ability to work out because it feels good but also the ability to take days off from the gym
- perspective on how important working out, weighing a certain number, and looking a certain way is
- the realization that being skinny does NOT make me happy
- the realization that I am still working through this and that sabotaging myself won’t help
- faith that I’ll end up weighing what I’m supposed to when I start focusing on other things
…sorry for the diary entry. I know I’ve gone through this issue of feeling down on myself after looking at pictures before, but I’m really trying to reframe how I see myself. I would rather look healthy, happy and strong than skinny. I think the pictures from last night show someone a heck of a lot healthier than a year ago. My hope for the next year is that I don’t even have to THINK about it, I just KNOW that I look how I’m supposed to look (because I’m taking care of myself in terms of exercise/food, priorities, and everything).
This is the last dose of cheese/reflection, I promise. The only reason I figured out I really want to go into journalism is because I made room for things in my life besides Ed. Whether you’re obsessing over food, your weight, or something else, if it’s eating up all your time you’re letting it stop you from being your best. At this point, I’m still spending energy on recovery but I know that I’m close to recovered just because I’m realizing all the amazing things that I CAN STILL DO. It’s really not too late. A pretty big realization just in time for planning New Years Resolutions, don’t you think?