Admitting it

Okay folks.

After last night’s post, I fell into a trap. I kept eating those darn gingerbread man cookies. I’d call it a binge–though it’s nothing like what I used to do–and one that I’m not proud of and don’t want to share. But I need to own up and to move forward, I think it’s important that I put it all out there.

Why’d it happen?

  • I think it happened because I let myself work for hours without a break. Next time, I should take a few breaks from the computer screen to move around (take my recycles down, paint my nails, stretch, etc.).
  • I also think it happened because I was convinced I wasn’t hungry enough for a bedtime snack even though I was. I think having squash, which is dessert-ish, reading some blogs from people who said they weren’t going to eat after dinner, etc. made me think that I should forgo my bedtime snack. Silly, silly me. It would have been smarter to have a serving of cookies, in a relaxed setting (sitting down at the table, perhaps), than to stuff my face standing up as I was literally getting into bed.
  • Ed was pissed off over the afternoon and the perfectionist in me says I should have finished my portfolio and that I shouldn’t be taking Saturday as a fun day.

Why am I sharing?

  • The fact that I’m sharing and not at the gym or out running or something is a sign that I’ve come further along in my recovery.
  • The binge wasn’t that bad. I know that eating a whole bag of cookies wouldn’t even make me fat, let alone a few extra handfuls. What sucks is the thoughts right now that I don’t deserve to enjoy things today (the Santa Shuffle, the visit home, dinner with my mom, etc.), not the fact that I might have had some extra calories yesterday.
  • I was able to stop myself from going back to the kitchen “one more time” last night–someone passed along an analogy to me the other day: “If you’re speeding on the highway and you see a cop, do you speed up?” I thought of this when I was reaching for the chocolate chips…and managed to stop myself.
  • I don’t want it to control me, so I’m putting it out there so it’s in the past officially.

That’s all. It’s time for me to get in costume soon for the Shuffle. It’s one of those days where I’ve just got to “do it anyways” when it comes to things that are scary. Like having breakfast, which I did.

All Bran, Kashi, prunes, and pecans with a combo of plain and vanilla yogurt.

Really, it sounds ridiculous:

  • “You should skip that birthday dinner because you ate too much last night.” <– I’m going to have to have dinner anyways, why not share it with someone?
  • “You shouldn’t go to that party, you might eat junk food.” <– Guess what? I ate junk food when I stayed home last night. I might eat some and that would be okay, even good, especially if it’s at a party.
  • “You shouldn’t take today off to go home and see people, you’ve got an exam on the 12 and the 21, applications and a freelancing assignment due on the 15, and other writing to do.”<–I bet you I can get it done. It’s only the 4!
Any tips for being gentle with yourself after a little oopsy? 
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2 responses to “Admitting it

  1. I’m underweight now…and struggling. I can’t exercise (physically just can’t anymore) and lately I’ve been binging (I’m talking near 700++ cals past 11 pm at night…chocolate, yogurt tubs, nuts, rice cakes, etc etc…) I’m so ashamed and worried ….I can’t “exercise” it off…and i can’t restrict the next day or it just continues the cycle. The guilt is great.

    Email me anytime if you have any thoughts or stories to share. I feel so sad about this all.

  2. Pingback: eatplayluvblog

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