So, I sat down to do my portfolio and started with the “About Me” page. I got it done, then realized I wanted a picture, which sent me to Facebook to creep myself, which sent me through 2,369 tagged photos. Holy poop.
I got to thinking…
I can remember bingeing in elementary school. I remember always wanting to lose weight.
This is the summer when I started running. Nothing was obsessive about it, I even took a month off when I went to Bermuda. I felt on top of the world because I ran my first 10km race (I think it took me 1:04 or something) but that was huge for someone who couldn’t run a mile in gym class the year before.
This was when I got really low and wasn’t really eating. I was a “vegetarian” and I mostly ate fruit and granola bars. My mom made the call to my wrestling coach that I was quitting over this Christmas break…
The next summer I had gone through some treatment for my ED, but I stopped. I went on a trip to Hawaii and by that time was bingeing on a pretty regular basis. I’ve never shared this: the first time I actually made myself sick was in Hawaii. Of all places, ED had me in the most gorgeous place I’ve ever been…as much as I wish I could forget it, the memory is so vivid.
In second year, I started to see Noelle about my bingeing/purging. I was exercising like mad and still feeling inadequate. Ed was still there, but I thought I was doing “better”.
So, I decided to “do something” about it and I got back into my restricting.
I think I hit a healthy looking point along the way, but my mind was obsessed, so to say that I was healthy is far from the truth. Then I got really too small, I know.
I remember thinking that I looked “big” in the pictures from this summer and fall.
I can’t believe how much I
used to beat myself up. If I’d just been able to see how beautiful I could look at any size, I’d never have had this problem. Here are some of my favourite, size neutral, whatever photos. The lesson here is that right now, pictures I look at might look “gross” to me. I might feel “fat” or think I look heavier than I should. I might actually be perfect. My weight’s just a reflection of how I treat myself. It’s not something that I need to control. It’s not something that I need to worry about. I need to worry about school, about people, about taking care of myself and being the best I can be. I KNOW that body will balance out where it needs to and that if I wasn’t restricting, wasn’t bingeing, wasn’t using food as a drug or my eating disorder as a distraction, I’d be right where I need to be.
Sorry for the diary, sorry to anyone who I embarrassed by association through posting these photos, and sorry to my portfolio for ignoring it and working through this instead. I think I’ve come to the conclusion (yet again) that I don’t want to worry about this. I don’t WANT to gain weight, I don’t WANT to lose weight. I want to go back to a place where it didn’t matter (but I don’t know where that place is). I don’t know what it’s like to NOT be actively trying to lose or trying to maintain a weight or to be saying screw it because I feel fat anyways. I’m trying to find it.
Do you ever look back on old photos?