I didn’t finish my portfolio today. To be honest, I hardly did any “work” at all today.
I did, however, really open up with this morning’s post. Thanks for reading and for being so supportive. This is where I know the blog is amazing — it can show progress from a low point to a high point, it helps me organize my thoughts, it helps me relate to people, and I know that a lot of my issues have been because I’m feeling lonely.
What have I been up to all day?
I had an appointment with my counsellor. It was a toughie. I really didn’t want to get out of my bed (I tried to have a nap) to go this afternoon, but I knew I’d regret it if I skipped (not to mention it’d be money down the toilet), so I went. She asked really hard questions today. The conclusion I came to, and it’s all very much me noticing things about myself or her cuing me into things, is that I get close to a solution but then start to focus on something else that’s wrong. I do this in more ways than one and I don’t think I have to be specific for people to understand what I mean. What’s wrong with being satisfied? With being okay for being where you are, right now?
This very moment, I’m going to be okay with the fact that I’m baking cupcakes, searching for cheesy quotes, and thinking about my trip next week. Next week, I’m going to be present on my trip. My counsellor asked a very smart question: “What would happen if you just had fun?” and when I told her I tell myself I want to, but I don’t know how, thoughts of “I’m going to get fat” creep in or worries about all the work I’m leaving undone come, she said, “Will you get fat? How? At the Rockettes?” This made me laugh. Then she asked, “How much weight could you gain?” and I came to the conclusion that I really can’t get fat in a week. If I did gain weight, it would be worth it if I had fun and showed Ed I am in charge.
So leaving there I had time to think (I did the lamest elliptical work out of my life this afternoon) and I realized that it’s up to me to challenge Ed and really have fun. How amazing would it be to go on vacation and NOT worry the whole time? I might feel fat at times, but that doesn’t mean I am. The issue comes when I used to believe that it was true and then start treating myself like so. No more!
“Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”
“Do everything. Love as much as you can. it may hurt but it helps us grow. Give all you have…you may be poor but you will be content. Always forgive….your heart can not afford not to. Teach what you know and learn what you don’t. Stay open to all.”
You better believe I’m going to be posting some pretty awesome posts from next week’s trip.