Couldn’t have said it better myself!

Reading “8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder”, I found myself really identifying with a couple of things:

“People always ask, “What made you get better?” or “What turned you around? …there are many things that have to come together to turn [an eating disorder] around. … It was a long hard struggle. I never wanted to gain weight; I wanted a better life, and I had to let weight gain happen as a part of that process.”
This just spoke to me. In the past, I think I’ve been ready to get to an “ideal weight”, whatever that means. I have always had an idea in the back of my mind about what i should weigh. While I’m not saying that there isn’t a place for goals, especially if you’re working with a therapist or dietitian to lose or gain weight and they’ve deemed using weight as something that will benefit you, I’ve personally done better without it.
About a month ago, I did something I really regret and that should have been a big red flag: I bought a scale. I thought weighing myself once a week would keep me “on track”. I know now that ED thought this would be a good way to lure me back in and that society (or at least a whole lot of it) wants us to believe that our weight is something we need to monitor and control. Looking back, I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that my bingeing, restricting, and guilt around exercising/not exercising came to a head in the last month as well.

The number on the scale might not be a call for help, but the fact that I wanted to weigh myself sure should have been!

FYI, the scale’s in my recycle bin, and I’m thinking of just throwing it away today though I had big plans to do something more, symbolic with it). 
What I loved about the quote from the book is how it drew attention to shifting the focus on what you want instead of trying to get rid of what you don’t want. I’m trying to so hard right now to focus on the life that I do want (writing for the Gazette, saving money, going to grad school, having stronger relationships, etc.) and realizing that if I keep my ED I will never be able to fully enjoy those things has really helped.  What place does ED have if I am so determined to be someone else?
The weight, rather than being the issue, becomes the outcome. I know that’s the case with any ED: the weight is just a symptom of a larger, deeper problem. Since I’m dealing with the fact that I was unhappy and unfulfilled (and trying my hardest to find happiness and fulfillment), I know that weight will remain an outcome (and if I’m not focusing on it, not bingeing or restricting, and just eating intuitively and exercising reasonably). That means I’m going to end up weighing my ideal weight, a concept that doesn’t coincide with a number but instead with a way of living! I hope that makes sense!

“Try not to think of the process of recovery as giving up your eating disorder, but rather as getting yourself back.”
This one is so true. I am realizing now how much I’ve lost who I truly am to who ED wants me to be. It’s confusing to figure out what I like versus what ED wants me to like: working out? chocolate? sleeping in? going out? shopping? reading certain magazines? but this is a process that is pretty exciting.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dive into my readings. I’ve got a whole lot of schoolwork to do and this is a rare Saturday morning where I feel strong enough to not head to the gym (for so long, recovery days were about forcing myself to take it easy, but I finally can say I honestly feel like I SHOULD be doing homework rather than going to another spin class, etc.). Happy weekend!
Do you ever read something and feel like you could have written it yourself?
How do you like to spend your Saturday mornings?
What’s something you really struggled with that eventually got easier for you?  

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