Can you be too frustrated to sleep?
Yesterday could have been the perfect day…after the bike ride and triple blog post, I had a pretty relaxing afternoon. We tried out the kayaks but it was a little too wavy/the current was a bit too strong to really do much in them. I had a healthy and delicious bowl of cherries in the middle of the afternoon and we decided to go to Locals, a (you guessed it) restaurant focused on using only local ingredients for dinner.
Even though I was the DD, I was roped into having a beer while we waited for our dinner reservation. I was feeling it as we walked to the restaurant and was pretty easily convinced to leave the car in town and take a cab home in the name of red, red wine.
We ordered a lot of food and we had a bottle of wine.
Delicious—Bison meatballs with papardelle. There was a mushroom sauce that I poured on immediately after tasting it (it passed the test). It was rich, hot, and amazing.
Dessert 1 = chocolate layer cake!
Dessert 2 = Chocolate truffle cake!
Dessert 2 definitely won for delicious. I also topped off dinner with another special coffee. There were two other desserts at the table but I stuck to these (and to be honest, my dining guests stuck to the others, which means I was left eating essentially two desserts).
Here’s the issue: I was already feeling guilty for indulging. I was getting anxious about leaving the car – there goes my chance to get up early and go for a swim before everyone else gets up tomorrow. I was full by the time the main course came but I still finished my dinner. I was drinking more than I’d intended, and that lowers my inhibitions. I felt literally stuffed and sick after dinner.
We took a cab home and I nearly lost it all on the ride. I spent the rest of my waking time feeling sick to my stomach and now I’ve woken up and absolutely can’t sleep. My heart is racing, I could spew, and I hate this feeling. I’ve been here before. The pattern is: I drink too much. I over-indulge. I continue to over-eat, usually rich pasta/cream sauce and some form of heavy dessert. I wake up feeling disgusting.
NORMALLY, this launches me into a somewhat restrictive day with a big hard workout to try to make up for some of the ‘damage’. Again, this vacation is about figuring out something else. Obviously last night was not my best—I think a smarter way to indulge would have been to be the DD, have the bison meatballs, and maybe sample a dessert or eat one (NOT two whole ones when I already felt sick).
Lesson learned. Normally when I come to these kinds of conclusions I start to feel a little better—maybe it’s my racing heart/somewhat spinning head that is keeping me up, but I still don’t feel like I have the closure I need. Maybe I need to go a step further and to make a promise to myself (out of love, out of desire to get healthier – not out of an attempt to make up for what I’ve done or to restrict) after learning some things:
- I don’t like to be too indulgent. Ordering that much food makes me realize how little I really need. Eating local is a step for a healthier planet and a more conscious way of eating but I managed to turn it into something far from conscious. In fact, I zoned out and as a result I acted like, well, a pig. I don’t like to use that word and calling myself a pig in the moment is a sure way to set myself up for a binge, but looking back, I can see the gluttony (is that the right use of the word?) and I’m not proud of it.
- I don’t want to get caught up in this after one night. I don’t need to feel guilty and rush to the gym this morning. I don’t need to get up and run a marathon. In fact, feeling so sick and feeling my heart race is probably a warning sign that I should ease off and let this all burn off.
- I need to re-examine whether or not I am really making healthy decisions. Healthy vs. good for my eating disorder sometimes get blurred still: sometimes I get caught up and think that drinking diet soda and eating fake things that are low calorie, etc. and exercising as much as possible is the healthy choice when in reality, drinking water, eating whole foods, and having a balanced approach to exercise is truly healthy.
- I need to cut myself some slack: “Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret, and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.”…“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”
Note to self: it’s okay to slip up. I’m reading an article about relapse here and realizing that of the six things that the article says will increase the risk of a relapse:
- Experiencing intense feelings that have been problematic before, such as sadness, anger, jealousy, and disappointment.
- Practicing unhealthy dietary regimens, such as compulsive exercise, restrictive dieting, or trying to make your body conform to an unhealthy weight.
- Failing at something important.
- Having a stressful experience.
- Experiencing a significant change in social support. This may follow the end of a romantic relationship, the loss of friends, or the death of someone important to you.
- Feeling ashamed or guilty.
…I’m feeling most of them right now. I feel lonely on this trip (I know I know I should be loving every minute, but there are so many things I’d like to do here and no one to do them with…frustrating) = #1. I am still (for some unknown reason) scared of ballooning to some massive weight =#2. I am stressing over going back to school and being too busy come September =#4. I feel a little left out in the dark without regular appointments at the dietitian and I feel distant (even though it’s largely my own doing) from even my closest friends =#5. I feel guilty for indulging even a little =#6.
So, what’s a girl to do? MOVE ON. Take this as a lesson and go with it. Sit with the feeling of being ‘gross’ rather than trying to distract myself with exercise first thing tomorrow. Drink plenty of water, eat more whole foods, and try to move forward again. Renew my commitment to HEALTHY and RECOVERED. Realize, as my dietitian told me last time I saw her, that sometimes we feel like we are at rock bottom right when we are close to the top of the mountain…the trick is NOT to slide back down. When you’ve had a taste of what it feels like to be free from an eating disorder (which I have, because largely I feel like I am living as a recovered individual), it makes a relapse/slip all the more troubling.
Have you read the 100 Mile Diet or watched the TV show?
Would you ever try eating local?
Have you ever tried duck?
How do you get back on track after over-indulging?
Have you ever recovered from something—an eating disorder, mental disorder, or maybe an addiction—? Do you think it gets harder at the end?