Too busy? …I feel like I need to own up.

Am I too busy to blog? I have been ridiculously scattered lately, and I’ve not been posting…but I feel like I need to own up: I had a rough weekend. I had a decent race at the Tecumseh Triathlon on Sunday, but I could have done better…

I have really been struggling with my anxieties: travelling is fun and I should be focused on how lucky I am to be able to go away, but I get caught up in the fact that I won’t be able to work out like I usually do, won’t be able to eat like I usually do, and will just be out of my routing; going back to school will add a little more onto my plate and even though I am good at time management and thrive when things are busy, I’m still anxious to get into a new routine to make sure I can handle it all; and regular every day stresses are just getting to me. 

In terms of ED, I’ve had some rough days and some rougher thoughts (mostly about slipping into old restrictive ways or into past habits with over-exercising, etc.), but I am reminding myself even when I feel as though I’ve “overeaten” (i.e. tonight when I got home from work and devoured a bowl of cereal as well as a few handfuls along the way, in the mornings when I find myself eating extra trail mix after breakfast, when I have peanut butter right out of the tub) and instead ask myself why I’m doing this—and I have come back to the conclusion that it’s probably a way to make myself feel guilty and bad about something that’s more tangible and present than my fears about travelling, the fall, life, etc…and now the question is, if I know, why do I still do it? I’m at the point where I’m curious instead of angry and rather than restricting or telling myself I’m bad, I’m going to “go with the ‘binge’<—even though I realize it’s not a binge by any means, it is a binge-like tendency and the way I eat it is not a way that I’d like to eat ideally”. Moving away from the good/bad cycle or the “I’ll never eat standing up again” kind of approach is new for me, so I think this is a good thing. I’ve seen the scale go up, but I really shouldn’t focus on it. It’s not what I want to spend my time worrying about, and it’s impossible for me to know if it’s muscle or fat or water or some combination of things. I’ve also gotten rid of a pair of admittedly very small jeans that I have been holding onto. I threw them in the dumpster, reminding myself that this is a step towards health, not a backslide into bingeing or me ‘letting myself go’.

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