The best way I can describe my emotions lately is to say they’ve been a rollercoaster. Besides ED things, which I will update on ASAP (I’m sorting some stuff out in my mind, but I’ve had some support from some new friends and from new places that I am really appreciative of and am feeling further along in recovery than ever before), I’m struggling with this knee injury.
Which I guess goes back to the ED things, in the end.
It sounds pathetic, but I know how I hurt it: last week the cleat of my bike shoes lost a screw so clipping out was impossible (luckily I was on a spin bike so my shoe was stuck in it and not on my road bike). I tried to get the shoe out by pushing down and kicking my heel out (exaggerating the normal motion). Loaded twisting. Exact mechanism to hurt your meniscus. What a lame story, if it turns out it’s in fact something to do with the meniscus.
The last week I’ve thus been anxious about whether or not I’ll be able to race this weekend. I have the time off work, but now this? At least I’m not anxious about the transitions or the race itself, I guess? Trying to look on the bright side here!
I got my shift covered yesterday so that I could go home and go to my chiro. He’s at Sarnia in Motion and I just trust him/haven’t found anyone in London to take his place. He said yes, I could have torn my meniscus and that some of the tests were positive but very few. I could get the knee to click and it’s more of a crack and it feels like the front of the knee (which would be good, maybe just irritating the knee, shutting down VMO, and then my knee cap not tracking properly hence the clicking) BUT then it started to make more of a deep noise when he was moving it around. Truth be told it could have been doing this forever — I never move like that! I left feeling a little worried but I’m going to go back on Friday and see how it is. I emailed my coach and she told me to stay off of running. I got to bike today, and it felt awesome. I didn’t feel like it was too bad when I woke up so I tried to jog across my parking lot just to see — bad idea. Back to thinking the worst. It’s the difference between resting for a few weeks or resting for a few months and I was pretty sure if you needed surgery on your meniscus it meant you couldn’t be a long distance athlete. I kind of whined about all of this to my coach and got a really encouraging response:
“Yes, ice it, stretch it… get a massage too if you can!
Great that it doesn’t hurt on the bike. You will be good to go for swim and bike, and hopefully run too 🙂 Just try a run on Friday I’d say.. take wed and thursday off from running. Then 20 minutes ez on Friday before you see your chiropractor.
If it IS meniscus, though, it doesn’t crush your chances of being a long distance athlete 🙂 It just means you take a short break while it gets fixed!”
Reason number 1029292010 why I’m glad I’m working with her! I had convinced myself I needed a new dream. This just goes to show you how I make the worst of everything, but on a more serious note, being injured or even just potentially injured made me realize how much of me is wrapped up in what I’m doing in terms of exercise/training/etc. I started to wonder what I’d do if I couldn’t train. Would I take the violin back up? Would I take the cake decorating classes I have been putting off? Would I get really into something else? Would I slip into depression? Would I channel my energy into something new (swim across Lake Huron, maybe?)? In other words, I started having a mini life crisis or at least an identity crisis!
I think it all comes down to how I’ve been worried about what I want to do with my life lately. Truth be told, I’m in a really good place. I’m almost done my degree, without debt, and I have a full time job at an amazing company. I don’t NEED to freak out right now, but for some reason, I am. Perhaps it’s because I am caught up in the idea that you should have a career plan and know what your ideal job is. It’s hard because I don’t know where I want to go and as long as I’m miserable, I’m going to miss out on the chances that are right in front of me! I’ve already got an awesome opportunity working at the student gym and I’ve got so much opportunity working at lululemon (it sounds kind of crazy, because it’s retail on the surface, but the company is AMAZING as far as I can tell), but I feel like it’s not good enough
And this is where it all comes back to ED, telling me it isn’t good enough. The last few days have been tough for food. A little extra cereal here, some extra croutons there, some teddy grahams for no apparent reason, and then eating ice cream out of the tub. All leaving me feeling like I’m back on a trail to being unhealthy. Making it tougher to eat dinner out with my sister last night, to maybe go for ice cream with a friend, to sit and have a snack during Harry Potter last night (which I managed just fine, but my friends will tell you I had to bring a ton of options to get one right…and I felt guilty afterwards, despite telling myself eating ‘junk food’ i.e. pretzels at the movies is good, eating ice cream out of the tub at midnight is not the kind of habit I actually want to have).
Right now I’m icing my knee, waiting for my sister and mother to get here (we are shoe shopping for my sister’s wedding), and trying to get my head in a happy place. I may be mad at my mother, I may be worried about my knee, and I may be scared to go out to dinner, but the only way I’m going to get to the happy place I want to be, where I get along with my family, am able to relax and enjoy meals, and trust that my injury is not devastating (and that if it does mean I have to take time off, that’s okay and I am not fat, lazy, or worthless because of it) is to act like I’m already that girl I want to be!
Wish me luck…
What story should I tell people if I did hurt my meniscus? I don’t think they’ll buy ‘football tackle’, etc.
Do you think of yourself as an athlete? What would happen if you couldn’t train or compete any more?
What do you do when you’re in a funk?