Determined!

Right now, I may be:

  • worried about my knee
  • feeling bad for STILL going for the m&ms after going out for fro yo
  • feeling guilty for not doing any writing today

BUT I’m also

  • proud of myself for going out for dessert
  • happy that I was able to put the m&ms away and say that no, I am satisfied, and it’s not more chocolate that I need
  • glad that I have so many supportive friends (and people to go for coffee, dessert, etc. with and also who will text me random words of encouragement … hoping that if they need me they’ll feel like they can ask for help/trust me to do the same for them!)
  • realizing that the ever daunting to do list is only ‘daunting’ because I make it as such
  • sure that even if I have done something to my knee, I can get through this!

I’m going to get ED specific here. This is the cycle: I overeat (or binge, etc.) and then feel guilty for that. At this point, I still eat normally my meals and snacks after this happens but I sometimes find myself tempted to add exercise in (this has been impossible this week with my knee, luckily but frustratingly for ED), restrict, or continue overeating (as if to prove that I am in fact a pig or something).  I am at a point where I can at least see this pattern and try to put a stop to it.  Right now, the ice cream on Sunday, the pretzels and ‘junk’ food yesterday, as well as eating out the last two nights (though both nights I’ve had reasonable choices), and the extra things I’ve had (nibbling here and there, a little extra of whatever when I know it’s not a good choice mentally or anything I need physically), are weighing me down. And while I know that literally they haven’t made me gain weight, I’m not on a path I want to be on.  Instead, I’m trying to break the cycle. 

Tonight I found myself nibbling on caramel corn and chocolate covered almonds, when I got the invite from a friend who’s been very helpful listening (do you listen via texts? I think so)/keeping me sane lately to go for a coffee or frozen yogurt at Kiwi Kraze.   I decided to go back to what I said earlier, that I needed to act like the person I want to be, and to go! We had delicious yogurt (pic to come ASAP) and I saw a bunch of people I know, plus it was nice to get out/chat (not to mention to be in the air conditioning). Basically, this was that prime opportunity to break that cycle, and I did it. Then I got home and went straight for my candy. What the heck? Then I had the epiphany I keep having: I don’t need to sabotage myself.  If I go out for ice cream or frozen yogurt or if I eat like a normal person, I might gain some weight but it will be weight that I need to gain and it won’t make me disgusting, lazy, or fat.  If I gain weight because I force myself into bingeing, I am sabotaging myself and using food as a distraction, a reason to feel bad about myself.  As if that’s not bad enough, I’ll gain weight that won’t be healthy and I will then have to struggle with feeling gross about myself — though conveniently it would give me an easy problem (being ‘fat’) to fix and worry about instead of the problems (not knowing what I want to do, family drama, etc.) that actually matter.  If it took me a handful of chocolate covered almonds on top of my fro yo tonight to figure this out, I think it’s worth it…

yumm! mine's on the left -- chocolate fro yo, mini chocolate chips, peanuts, a few skor pieces, some hot fudge, and a cherry on top!

I’m sure other people have things that keep them ‘stuck’.  For so long, eating myself to a weight heavier than my natural (which I am not saying I am at now, I may in fact need to gain/lose weight to find my happy weight but I think years of dieting and damage to my thyroid, etc. will take time to balance out) kept me so frustrated and focused on ‘fixing’ that aspect of myself that I could give up on other things.  I was so distracted by the calories I’d eat or not eat that I could get away without thinking about the career that I wanted, the relationships I wished I had, or the fun I should have been having.  I kept myself ‘fat’ because it gave me a problem to worry about.  When I ‘took charge’ I actually just began to control the one thing I felt like I could — my own body, rather than dealing with the things in my life that really needed my attention.  Now I’m at a point where I see that my body will take care of itself, but I’m tempted by that old road where I eat myself into a situation where I have extra weight to focus on.  I’m too smart to go to that point (that’s what I am telling myself and need to keep telling myself).  I’ve got too many people looking out for me to go back to where I was.  It’s time for me to remember this when I’m standing at the fridge ready to eat whatever that I don’t really want.  It’s time for me to remember this when I am feeling guilty for taking a day off or when I’m freaking out that my knee is going to stop me from training for a while.  It’s time for me to remember this when someone invites me out to whatever and I say no because I’m scared I’ll binge or I feel too fat or I think I’ve got too many things to do. It’s time…

Do you guys think eating disorders are just like alcoholism or other addictions? Harder because you have to eat every day?
Do you like frozen yogurt–yo yo’s? kiwi krazE? TCBY? What’s your favorite toppings?
How do you keep yourself ‘stuck’?
Do you think it’s possible to get better without first hitting some kind of rock bottom?

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