You don’t have to…

Just because I could work on something ‘productive’ doesn’t mean I have to. Tonight, I think writing something is mroe important.

I’m not one to hold back, so I’m going to be totally honest. Today was a really really tough day (getting the grumbles out of the way):

  • I’m in the midst of some real mama drama and I went to the states with my mother for my doctor’s appointment — being in the car with someone you’re upset with sitting in a bridge delay is kind of a recipe for disaster.
  • I’m feeling guilty for being mad at my mother — at least I have a mother — but at the same time continually trying to move on and not being able to. Things are unresolved, to say the least.
  • I’m uber worried about my knee. It felt a little better today but as the day went on, and especially after my bike ride, it’s bothering me again.
  • My appointment at the doctor’s stressed me out.  Here come’s some honesty…if you’re a boy, tune out. We’re trying to solve the mystery of the missing periods. Sounds like a really awesome deal, but after about four years of not having them regardless of my weight (usually people assume it’s becase you’re too low body fat, but I still missed my periods at a significantly higher weight), it gets old and you start to worry. I’ve had every test in the book done, so now we’re starting again. Oh, joy. If I’m moody next month, you can blame pills and not me, okay? (This is important — tell your doc if you’re in a similar boat! You need to have your bones checked out and at least know that it’s not a healthy thing and it doesn’t mean you’re ‘in shape’ or ‘super fit’ — it means your body is super not able to do what it’s designed to do (carry a baby) because something is out of whack.)
  • I fell back into crappy habits: I ate a yucky breakfast (Ever realize halfway through that you don’t like something? What should I do?), drank numerous coffees, didn’t get hungry for lunch (I think it was the emotional stress of being in such an awkward situation with my mother) and so forced myself to eat after 6 hours without, forced afternoon snacks down, and ate a boring dinner that I had to walk around Loblaw’s mulling over before I could even decide on. 

The good news is, I realized that I was headed down a path towards feeling sorry for myself, getting into a funk, or maybe bingeing and I was able to put a stop to it.  If I change how I look at the day, I can see that:

  • Where before I might have stuck around and really battled things out with my mother, I am just leaving it where it is. Sometimes fights aren’t worth starting this very second. I’m not sure where this is headed, it sucks as it is, but I know it’s not going to get resolved right now.
  • I am taking a step towards getting healthier. I’m going to do what the doctor says, even though it means I might end up taking the pill (and gaining weight, getting moody, being just a normal girl 😉 ) or needing to cut back on exercise (I’ll deal with this when the time comes). I think more than likely I’m emotionally stressed and perhaps my nutrition is still not entirely adequate (I’ve read some research that thinks it has more to do with what you eat around training and glycogen levels and interesting things like that than to do with body weight).
  • I ate lunch instead of skipping a meal like I would have when I was really in a bad place.
  • I may have exercised with my injury, but I’ve realized that I may need to take some time off next week. I would like to do my long ride as planned on Saturday morning and my run on Sunday, but if it’s bothering me too much tomorrow, I’m going to make the call and take it easy instead.
  • I also bought new running shoes. I have a feeling that mine are a little past due, and I know that if the stability part is wearing away, the inside of my knee could hurt (okay, the kid at Running Room who I’m fairly certain works on commission mentioned that, but it makes sense). I had to go back over the bridge and it made my night a little later, but I got 160 dollar shoes for 90 dollars!

    Asics 2160 (stability) ...90 dollars in the states vs. 150ish here! I'm really excited about lime green and purple (I buy whatever colour I can get and normally it's just blah, but this I LOVE!).

  • I didn’t binge. Here I am blogging, rather than bingeing.  I ate my dinner late, but I was feeling hungry about two hours later. I decided to wait a little and see if I was truly hungry for food or if I was looking for something else (drawing back to the appointment with the dietitian yesterday, I know it’s okay and that I should actually plan to have an evening snack). I decided that I was hungry and then I started to get anxious about what I wanted. I had a couple teddy grahams, decided no. I knew I wanted something crunchy. Graham crackers? Nope. Chocolate mini wheats? YES. First I had to convince myself that it’s okay to have something so ‘substantial’ at night, then I had to remind myself to put them in a bowl and to sit and try to focus on enjoying them.  Done and done. By no means was it easy, but again: even if I don’t truly need the extra 250 calories I might end up eating if I have my nightly snack when I’m unsure if I’m hungry hungry or not, it will take weeks to gain a single pound.  The weight of that pound will be far less than the weight (I’m not talking pounds weight here, I’m talking the weighton me) of bingeing, bingeing and purging, or denying myself.

    Try these, ASAP!


  • I cleaned my kitchen, painted my nails, cleaned up my bedroom, and started my laundry.  I didn’t dust. I didn’t finish my laundry.  I didn’t write any articles. But I did something and I am choosing to be happy with that!

Now that I`ve got that out of my system, I`m feeling reallllllly tired. I`ve got some icing to do (and fingers to cross regarding my knee) and no alarm set for tomorrow (I`m planning on swimming, organizing the tasks I`d like to get done in the next few weeks and getting a start on them, and then working). I`m bummed that I`ll be missing the opening night of Harry Potter, but I`ll see it soon!

Do you love love love Harry Potter? Other movies?
Do you ever find yourself making the worst of everything? How do you shift to a more positive outlook?
Do you ever feel like you’ve done enough or do you suffer like me and tend to notice all the things you’ve left undone instead of giving yourself credit for what you have done?
How often do you replace your running shoes?
Are you close with your family?
Do you get along better with your parents when you’re away from home for school, work, etc.?
Girls: have you ever felt ‘proud’ because you didn’t get a period? Why do you think people sometimes take pride in this?
What is your running shoe or do you just buy whatever?


2 responses to “You don’t have to…

  1. Good note Cheryl, and yes I did read the entire thing. It is impressive to see your head held high even in the company of some of the words you were using.

    Things do have a tendency to get better, so just keep on trucking and it will all get better.

    I shall indulge the child in me and answer the questions.
    – I like Harry enough, but there are other movies I like more.
    – sometimes, being manic, I have to watch it carefully to not let me get too far…I zone out, or I think of the other poor unfortunate souls that have it worse than I.
    – I give myself credit for things I have done, positive energies do more for you than negative.
    – you only learn to appreciate your parents as people once you move away.

    I run very little, and last I check, I am a boy.

  2. Mystery friend

    Feels good just to let it all out eh?

    It’s really easy to get down on ourselves sometimes. But always try to look on the bright side of things! You are a very intelligent and attractive girl (and yes i am a guy!), living in the best country in the world, going to an awesome school with awesome friends and all this crap you’re dealing with right now is just temporary… before you know it, that knee will be better, you’ll resolve your issues with your mom and you’ll find that guy you’ve been waiting for for so long. You might be at the bottom of the hill on the roller coaster of life right now… but hey, at least you’re still on the roller coaster and thats way friggin cooler than being the one stuck in line! 🙂

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