Blogging > bingeing

It really doesn’t make sense…I just got home from my relaxing evening. I got the things I needed to get done on my to do list done (remember, prioritizing = sanity), and I had a good weekend! So why am I tearing myself away from my dark chocolate almond bark to write this? …because I’ve already had my serving and it’s time to get down to why I’m feeling bad about it (for the record, I know eating some chocolate at bed time is a normal-ish thing to do, but the guilt I feel after is far from normal or acceptable).

I’m not nervous for anthing. I’ve got a pretty open day tomorrow…I need to go to the pool and I’m working at 3:30pm but in no way am I overloaded with stressful things for tomorrow.  In fact, the things I “have” to do (swim, go to work, cash my paycheques) are all things I’m looking forward to.

I’m not hungry. …I had a delicious day (lots of variety, plenty of food) and I just had an apple (in the hopes of warding off any late night nibbling).

I think I’m having a few realizations:
-eating some dark chocolate before bed can become part of my routine (Ed says it’s a bad habit, I say I don’t know and need to talk to my dietitian)
-there is still guilt around having ‘junk’ food
-I get to the end of the day and rather than thinking about the to do list items that I didn’t do or the fact that I have free time tomorrow (scaryßand I realize this is an irrational fear that I need to get over, but I struggle to leave open space for anything in my days) and I’d rather feel guilty than deal with my real emotions
-an apple is not the same as chocolate (Sweet, yes. Rich, definitely not.)

Saying that an apple is not the same as chocolate isn’t to say that you should not eat the apple and just have the chocolate.  In the past, I’ve been known to make this kind of ‘trade-off’ (not having starch with dinner so that I’d have ‘room’ for dessert, etc.).  This is something I’ve managed to get away from.  When my friends say they’re not eating dinner because they want to go for ice cream, I tell them they’re dumb (my friends love me, I swear). Not only are you missing out on the nutrition from your normal dinner, you’re also setting yourself up for overeating or worse yet, for a binge. Sparkpeople’s on my side here when their article says:

“Junk food is not okay when it displaces healthy food, even if you maintain an appropriate weight. Eating substantial amounts of high-calorie, low-nutrient foods tends to be part of an eating pattern that ignores nutrient-rich vegetables, fruits, whole grains and beans. Even if you don’t gain weight by eating lots of junk food, you could increase your health risks, like the risk of cancer, by depriving yourself of protective nutrients and phytochemicals.”

To be honest, I think I know what’s up:
-I’m tired.
-Coming home to an empty (hot) apartment is peaceful but also sort of lonely.
-I’m not sure what my week looks like (I’ve got to go home for a doctor’s appointment) and I don’t know my work outs after tomorrow (my coach is in Germany, after all).
-I know next week is an easier week before the race on Saturday (23rd), but I don’t know how easy it will be. I also don’t even know if I will get the morning off work (or the night before)…I’ll know on Tuesday or Wednesday! I am waiting on a vacation request as well (I want to go do the Philadelphia Gran Fondo to make it a yearly tradition of a sweaty century ride but I’m not sure if a lot of others want that weekend off!). I don’t like not knowing but that’s what life is about!
-I have been thinking (worrying) about what I want to do with my life. I love writing, I love working, I love training. Can I live as a lululemon lifer who is a freelance journalist and ironwoman? I think so, but do I go to journalism school? Where do I live? Who is going to teach me how to save my money?
-I’m a little nervous…Nancy Clark’s blog (my favourite, ever) about amenorrheic women is hitting close to home (even though I’m doing everything I can to work on this)/is a reminder that I’m not 100% recovered physically either.

Again, blogging = therapy. Thanks.

“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes the furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.”

How do you guys deal with anxiety, especially about the future and about things that you can’t possibly know?
Do you think it’s smart to take time off after undrergrad?
Do you worry that if you stop school, you’ll never go back? (I sure do. I also worry that if I stop running, I’ll never start again. Biking. Oh geeze, this is getting deep…)
Do you write down your goals or what you want your life to look like in the future?

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