On the verge…

Tonight is a pretty big night for me! I’m a little anxious to start the real training portion of the new job at lulu, but I am more anxious about how tough it has been for me to make it through the day without falling into old patterns.  For those of you who didn’t read my past blogs, I consider myself still in recovery from a mix of eating disorders that I collectively call Ed.  Today, Ed did his best to get me back…

Since I had such a big week last week, I thought that today needed to be a rest day. I woke up, had breakfast, a snack that I might have considered off limits when I was in my dieting days. Even though I’d had a breakfast that I thought was substantial plus this bigger snack, I was still hungry at about 11:15 when I was just getting ready to go the 12:00 class at Moksha I thought I would like to do. I hummed and ha-ed and then decided to just have another snack (I often had to remind myself along the way that even if I ate before I was hungry (which for a long time meant starving) I would still get hungry again, it just might take a little bit longer). So I had a Clif bar and went to yoga and considered it a victory!

apple + peanut butter + cranberries

The Moksha class was good — I think their classes in the hot room are predictable but you can depend on them to give you what you expect and sometimes I like that. It felt nice to sweat and to do something different for my body. I find rest days much easier than before, but doing yoga on them makes it easier. I look forward to the day where taking a full day off will be as easy as pie, but right now I still need a little bit of ‘exercise’ on my days off!  Embarassing moment came when I forgot my locker combo and had to have the thing cut off. This is not the first time it’s happened…nor the second, nor the third! I remember having my lock cut four times. I should really switch to a lock with a key…but I bought a new lock today and it’s yet another combo one. Wish me luck…

I spent any free time I had today cleaning my apartment. My closet it still somewhat out of order but that’s okay. I can deal with it this week, but my toilet, kitchen (even my freezer), and floors are at least clean now! I had a boss who used to say that cleanliness is next to godliness…and it kind of stuck with me. I like to feel like things are under control and having a clean apartment is at least a sign that I have things together enough and respect myself enough to take care of the place where I live! It may be small, but it’s home. After packing up at my house (my mom sold the place we grew up in), I realize I have a lot of stuff and it will keep accumulating if I don’t stop buying so much. Also, I realize the importance of keeping things organized! If everything has a place, life will go smoother. Now to practice what I preach…

So anyways, I had a nice massage after yoga/shower/lunch this afternoon. I found an RMT that I get along with and who at least pushes enough so I feel like I’m getting a benefit from the massage. I blocked out the voices telling me that I’m selfish and spoiled and reminded myself that it’s been since January since I’d been to this guy so I can’t be that selfish! After the massage, I ran my errands and got groceries. I was starving and went in bulk barn. I ended up eating a couple of dark chocolate peanut m&ms, which of course Ed told me made me fat.  I also ate baby carrots as a snack, but I knew dinner was far away and I should have had something more substantial. I’m learning by my mistakes though…

Dinner was quick. I had intentions of trying out some new things and making salmon, but I was too hungry so I fell back on a roast beef sandwich with a big ceasar salad. It was delicious but I was bummed that I let myself go too long and ended up missing out on a new dish! I finished up some chores after dinner and then I found myself back in a dangerous place…standing at the fridge. For those of you who have struggled with night time eating, you know this is a bad place to be! It doesn’t matter how many notes you put on the box of chocolates. It doesn’t matter if there is a picture of Jillian Michaels taped to the cupboard as if to warn you to stay away. It doesn’t matter if you know that you’ll feel bad after. It is hard to walk away.  I managed, however, after I ate a handful of chocolate chips, some more m&ms, and some rosebuds. I consider it a victory because I didn’t binge. It would have been nicer and more relaxing to just have some chocolate in a little dish, sitting down.  Next time.  It would have been disastrous to let this evening turn into a relapse.

This leads me to an important point: some people think that keeping these types of less than nutritional all star foods in their house/apartment is a recipe for disaster.  Personally, I don’t like to give them that much power.  There’s ice cream in my freezer that has been there for months.  There’s a box of cookies I haven’t opened from over a month ago in my cupboard.  There is ‘junk food’ around and that takes away its power. I think a big issue for me when I was in the throes of my bingeing and purging was that I would buy the food, feel bad for buying it, feel even worse for having any of it, and then immediately tell myself that it had to go.  As soon as I got into this mindset, it became a sort of urgent need to eat as much as I could before I got rid of it and went back to my totally ‘clean’ eating.  This, at least for me, was the worst thing I could do! It takes a lot more power and a lot more strength to be able to eat some and regret it but not feel the need to engage in this ‘last supper’ kind of mentality.  It will still be there, and next time, the goal should be to find a way to enjoy it without feeling guilty about it.  For me, this usually means sitting down with a food, trying to focus on what I’m eating, and leaving it at a serving instead of continually going back for more.  I’m not saying that this will work for you, but challenge those people who tell you that you’ll never get healthy if you keep potato chips or peanut butter or chocolate or ice cream (or whatever food you think you might eat the entire package of and never stop if you were given the chance) and see what works for you.  I love Nancy Clark and she wrote a blog about what to do when a food has too much power over you.  For a long time, it was peanut butter for me. I am okay to the point where now I just stick my finger in the tub once or twice when I have some (and finding Peanut Butter Fingers has really helped me realize this is normal!).

Tonight, I think I actually applied some of the things that you always read or hear about when you think of preventing or stopping a binge. I have made lists upon lists of things to do to keep me away from food when I am in a vulnerable spot (i.e. nervous about starting a job tomorrow, unsure about when to go work out tomorrow, feeling guilty for eating something or for taking a day off even if it’s needed or I was hungry, etc.) but this is one of those rare times when I was able to use it. I took myself out of my apartment (went to get my dry laundry), painted my nails, and am blogging now.  To satisfy the sweet cravings I still had, I managed to make a cup of hot chocolate without getting sidetracked by the teddy grahams that were calling my name from the cupboard. 

Like I said, I’m calling tonight a win.  Ed also tried to get me to set my alarm for a 6am spin class tomorrow.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE spin and I even like getting up early, but when I’m already in a messy place, I don’t need to complicate things by adding lack of sleep into the mix.  I also like to prove to myself that I can play the day by year! Tomorrow is convocation (I am kind of wishing I was graduating) so I think maybe I will end up wanting to be awake at night so sleep is key! I may go for a swim tomorrow after work, try a new recipe for breakfast that I saw on Edible Perspective, and finish my closet…I will not let my old habits win. Ed says don’t try something new for breakfast but it’s a sign of the fear I’m having about all of the changes going on. I say I’m bigger than that!

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”
“To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily.  To not dare is to lose oneself.“
“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

Does anyone else struggle with late night eating?
Is there any food you let control you? Do you think it’s better to keep it away or to have it around? What happens when you do eat it or get the chance to?
What’s the best breakfast recipe you gave a shot and actually liked?
If you find yourself slipping into an old bad habit (smoking? bingeing? swearing? spending more than you should?), how do you get back on track?
an easy one…Do you eat candy? What’s your fave?
How do you deal with anxiety about big changes?

 

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3 responses to “On the verge…

  1. Hey Cheryl, it’s me, Meg. What an amazing post tonight. Thank you for sharing. We have SO much in common. I would love to hang out when I get back to London. Maybe it would help us both? You are doing all of the right things girl! I totally agree with your statement about just sitting down and focussing on what you are eating. I have been trying to do this for quite sometime now. I can be a master at it one night and then not the next, but atleast I keep trying. Tomorrow is my rest day and I have anxiety about it. I don’t like rest days, but I know my body needs to recover. It’s necessary for me to remind myself this throughout the entire day.

    • For sure we can hang out! I think people need to be more open about these kinds of things but I know that it’s not easy for a lot of people. I guess since I don’t mind being pretty vocal, I should be. I hope your rest day was relaxing and recharged. It always helps to feel good the day AFTER a recovery day. I remember the first time I took more than one off and when I came back to a spin class after I felt like a million bucks!

  2. Pingback: Wednesday … much better! « eatplayluvblog

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